Productive Day :D Making dinner for tonight, got completely caught up on Greys Anatomy, Job Apps, Studying for my history test tommorow, Writing my Grapes of Wrath Essay, and doing some upper body work out, It's a beautiful day ♥

I'm imperfect, I have problems, I have insecurities, I'm human, Some of the past affects the present. Every once in awhile, I need to fall apart, even if all you see is the front.

I'm Building...

……….up the walls again. It’ll save everyone alot of stress and worry. And this time, i’m aware that their going up, and i’m okay with it.

This Morning

I woke up.

I realized how much i’ve truly grown over the past year.

I began to ponder everything that’s going on in my life right now.

Started to feel like I couldn’t do it anymore…

Realized if I made it this far, why can’t I go all the way?

Became determined to live to my full extent, and silence all his words that told me I never could.

Dad,

I am who I am. I’m sorry you can’t accept that. And I hope one day, I’ll realize that it’s okay to stop fighting for your affection. I am determined to be somebody, and from this day forward you are silenced.

Love,
Shayne

I am in the best mood right now, in love with an amazing guy named Jay, so determined to be the best me I can be for those who surround me, and confident that God has a purpose in all of this, and hopefully it can help change broken people’s lives in my youth group.
Good Morning, new me. :)

You Know What

The love of my life is leaving in three months.... and for the first time since he told me.... I'm okay with it.



Because, today as i was realizing its already March 3rd, and he kept asking if I was okay and I said i was fine... And i finally just said "I love you Jay." He gave me this look that was so deep and thoughtful and sinciere and yet contemplative looked me right back in the eyes, kissed me so hard and long that I wanted to gasp for air and said, "I love you too Shayne".



I'm not worried that when he leaves he'll find somebody a lot better than me. I'm not worried that when he leaves he'll fall in love so much with Virginia that he won't want to come back and rescue me. I'm not worried that when he leaves he won't be missing me too. Because when he leaves, he'll have a part of me, and he's chosen to keep it a long long long time till death do us part, and he doesn't want to come back just to return it.


For the first time in months, I feel satisfied.

Working with my Youth Group...

...............makes me feel satisfied. I don't know any other way to explain it. <3

Really Excited

For the future.
And that Tim wants me to sign on as a full time youth leader, and not just part time like I am now, after senior year :)
And that theres a promise ring on my finger, that means more than just a teenage highschool relationship
And that theres this amazing man, whose name is Jesus, and he loves me so deeply that it’s indescribable
And that I have amazing dark red hair that looks like I shouldve been born with it
And that for the first time in a long time, despite the circumstances, I’m excited for something.

Dear Julien Ayiku Ocansey,

I don’t how many times i’ve said this this month, but I have to say it again…Thank You. I didn’t think that you’d understand it, when I told you, I check my closet and the loft at night because I’m afraid my dad’s inside.. I didn’t think you’d understand when I told you that i check the lock every night because i’m afraid my dad will walk in and murder me. I didn’t think you’d understand when I told you that i’m still getting nightmares about my past. I didn’t think you’d understand when I told you everything, that i’ve kept hidden for so long from everyone else… But today when I fell apart, because of that fight I had with my brother, you held me and let me cry for that hour and a half. And when you said Shayne tell me what’s wrong, and I said i don’t wanna I don’t wanna cry anymore, you said Shayne you need to let it out now its okay to cry. And when i barley got my voice back and I said Jay i am still living through the blocked out memories of what my dad put me through, and I am so sorry that you have to deal with this because it’s not fair you said, Shayne I don’t do it because it’s fair or not fair I do it because I love you, and because I love you I will bear any pain you bear. And after you had risked getting in trouble so you could make sure I was stable and okay, you asked me who was going to camp this weekend. And i said well my whole youth group. You said, anybody I know? And i said Tim Tommy Kyle Saria Noah and a few others. Why? And you said because I wanted to make sure that theres someone to listen to you and hold you if you start crying agaiin. And while during all of this, we were watching Dear John, you knew that I was partly crying because it triggers the thoughts of you going away. And thats when you whispered in my ear, “i love you Shayne and i’m always going to be here for you no matter how far I go, i’m always a phone call away and I am always in your heart”.

Jay, you have all the pieces of my broken heart and only you and God can fix it. Thank you, for taking on this difficult task…. I love you with all my heart, you mean the world to me.
Love,
Shayne <3

Febuary 17th-17th Secret

He's what keeps me sane,

whether you believe it or not,

its the truth.

Febuary 16th-16th Secret

Winter Camp is this weekend,

And I can't wait to meet with God Face to Face.

Febuary 15th-15th Secret

Today has been the biggest roller coaster of them all,

But Nathan Fast after everything you've put me through today,

I'm still glad that your alive.

Febuary 14th-14th Secret

I have to admit,

I kind of like being Kelly's older sister,

Its cool to be someone's role model,

And is inspiring me to be a better person.

Febuary 13th-13th Secret

I have nightmares,

And they bring back everything i've blocked out.

Febuary 12th- 12th Secret

Even though I hate him,

I'm still seekng his approval.

Psalm 86:13- A Message of Hope

“For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave”- Psalm 86:13
Three years ago, I sat on the edge of my bed at my fathers house, home alone. I stayed home from school that day, complaining to be “sick”. I held a bottle of pills in my hand, thinking to myself, “I could end all this pain now, get it all over with”. I sat there awhile, and finally chickened out, placing the bottle back in the bathroom cabinent.
A few weeks later I attended my youth group’s annual winter camp, after not attending youth group for a few months prior to that. I was still feeling suicidial planning on going home, and taking my life, and just giving up, I was so through with being abused by my father, which left me feeling broken and unloved. After the lesson on Saturday night, we split up into our small groups, and we had our discussion. Everyone walked out except for my best-friend Kyle and I. I told my youth pastor Tim, that I had left youthgroup because I had felt unloved, and just didn’t feel accepted. He responded with “Shayne, we’ve been trying to love you, but you’ve put walls around yourself and won’t let anyone love you. We love you Shayne, I love you.”. I left our meeting room angry with Tim, because I felt that he was wrong and they really hadn’t been loving me. The next morning Tim said to me again, “Shayne, I love you”. God saved my life that weekend. And no matter how bad things have gotten, I have no longer been suicidal.
This past month for me, has been a complete downhill rollercoaster, and i’ve been questioning God a lot and why he’s letting things go this way in my life. But something told me to just randomly open up my bible and read for comfort:
“For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave”- Psalm 86:13
I kinda feel a little dumb after reading that. As i sit here on my bed thinking to myself, i’m doubting God, and yet he is the reason that i’m still here today. How does that work? I feel kinda silly now after reading that.
This day has actually been fine since this morning, yes its only noon, but i’m still hopefull that the rest of the day will be fine. Things may be rough, but I know that I am loved by my Father, Jesus. And he’s the only daddy i’ll ever need…
I hope this encourages and helps someone today. Know that you are loved, and there are open arms waiting with comfort even when you are blind to it…
Opening my Eyes,
Shayne <3

Febuary 11th- 11th Secret

Alice Ashley,

Matthew Jason,

Emmanuel Jackson,

Are the most beautiful names i've ever heard <3

And only he knows why <3

Febuary 10th- 10th Secret

I have no idea where God is right now,

and its bugging me.

Febuary 9th-9th Secret

I feel numb,

And i'm sorry that i'm depressed.

Febuary 8th- 8th Secret

I'm not as strong as you think I am,

I'm sorry.

Febuary 7th- 7th Secret

In my heart I know,

I'll never have to date anyone else again.

Febuary 6th- 6th Secret

Today was Sunday,

Church was really hard to listen to it hit home,

I cried,

Fiona was the one that prayed for me,

And it meant the world to have another youth child not a fellow leader,

Pray for me,

Thank you God,

For being my Daddy.



Febuary 5th- 5th Secret

Today is my Junior Winter Formal,

But I'm not going,

Jay and I are pulling an alllnighter at my place

Margaritas, Dancing, Movie Marathon, and Everything Else,

And it's going to be perfect.

Febuary 4th- 4th Secret

Today was our 1 Year 1 Month Anniversary,

And to be perfectly honest,

It's the best one we've ever had.

Febuary 3- 3rd Secret

I have the best older brothers in the whole wide world,

Chris and Tommy Freeman,

I love you.

Best Friends.

 My best friend and I, as of yesterday, aren't friends anymore. We've been best friends for a year and a half, lived at each others houses, finished each other sentences, we were sisters in every way.

I was the one to break it off.. I'm horrible, i know... I've never broken off a frienship before, but this time she just went too far. I was being ignored, she wasn't my crying shoulder, she put walls between us, deleted everything I posted onto her wall, blew me off for other friends, would never return a call or text, sorry but thats not how best friends are.

I wrote her a letter, in form of a facebook message, didn't seem okay to text it, but she ignores my calls so why bother calling? Facebook messaging may be impersonal to some, but at least it was read.. Because when she completely looked right past me, I knew she recieved it. Although, she never did respond to that either.. I was corgile, nice, but firm. I made my point get across.

In the aftermath of it all, i'm still hurt even though I don't wanna be. I wanna say i'm fine, i don't miss her, don't need her. When in reality I do miss her, but the girl i used to know, not the girl i know now. I did lose my best friend, and that hurts it does, but in reality i lost my best friend along time ago... And i don't deserve to have a best friend that makes me feel worthless and not good enough to even be her friend. I lost something yes, but i believe in the long run i will gain so much more without her.

Bipolarly yours,
Beach Blondie

Febuary 2nd- 2nd Secret

If I say i'm fine, i'm lying.

P.S. Please ask me again, I ussually need to talk..

Febuary 1st- 1st Secret

I'm afraid that i'm not good enough for you.

28 Secrets- Febuary

Soooo its Secret Time, this is my introductory blog.
Every day of Febuary i will post one secret to my page, you'll be shocked at some i'm sure :)

Breaking The Walls,
Beach Blondie

June is 5 Months Away

June is only 5 months away. He's moving to Washington D.C., Virginia. His dad was promoted to the #2 guy at Exxon. I should be so estatic, but i'm falling to pieces.

I know that our love can stand the test of distance, but that doesn't make it easy. No more tucking me in at night, no more randomly showing up at my doorstep just to say "I love you" no more making sure you leave the sliding door unlocked so we can sneak you back home after curfew. There are so many things i'm going to miss, all happening in the span of a year.

I'm not deppressed, i'm just not happy. People have been telling me to cheer up, get over it, put a smile on, so i have been. But that's not me right now.

Am i scared? Yes. Why? Whose gonna come over in the middle of the night when I need someone to hold me and rock me to sleep and tuck me in... Grow up, it wont last forever. You don't know what we have, you don't know the signs that we have been shown.

Do you really love him? Beyond Words.

Marry him someday? Tonight please.

Why can't he just stay here? My mom offered for him to live with us, but his parents would cut him off financially, including college. My mom can't afford to pay his college tuition right now..

Are you going to be ok? Yes.

Can you live without him? He will forever be in my heart. no matter what the outcome...

Answering everyones questions,
Beach Blondie