Making descions = the most hated thing in life, by me. I am one of the most passive people you will ever meet. I don't have opinions about whether we get Subway or Panda Express, if we go Ice Skating or go Bowling, or whether we should see the movie at 4:30 or 5:30. My only big opinions is when it comes to what I believe in, I will make the descion to fight for that, every time. Or if someone is saying something about someone else, I'll stick up for them. But when it comes to little things, i don't really care, don't let me make the descion because I don't care.
Towards the end of August, at Heatwave (a high school camp that my church has attended the past 3yrs.), i shared with my youth group about 8 of us, including my youth pastor, about what i've been dealing with this summer. It's been going on since I was a kid, and came up more during the past 2yrs, but especially this summer.It was a bit of a heartbreak for everyone. I wasn't planning on sharing at all about it, but all of a sudden i just started talking and couldn't get myself to shut up, and before I knew it I was crying my eyes out. Over the past couple months i've been copeing with it, trying to figure out what I should do about the whole situation, and about a month ago i was watching Oprah (whom i dislike greatly, but randomly decided to turn on) and they were talking about my situation. Tyler Perry was a guest, and he said "Theres a difference between copeing and healing" and I turned the TV off but hit the record button because Jay was coming over.
Jay comes over, and I go downstairs to let him in, and he can tell i'm a bit on edge. We make rice krispie treats and as im stirring the butter he comes up behind me and says so how was your day? I said it wasn't that great, and he says oh im sorry.. he asks if I wanna talk about it, I say no not really. And he just says ok. I go back to stirring the butter, and after a couple mins, i turn around and just hug him as he's leaning up against the counter. I hug him for a few minutes, and then I try to figure out why I won't let him go.As i'm holding him i begin to cry, and he just holds me and strokes my hair and says "Shhh, it's going to be okay" as i hold onto him crying and crying and crying and i'm thinking to myself why am i crying like this, what started this? And the words finally popped in my head "Theres a difference between copeing and healing".I had been trying to cope with the situation for so long, but i wasn't healing from it. Jay knows what happened at camp, and the whole story behind it, but I never told him why i cried that day, and we went about our business and had a great day anyway.
Having a little bit of background now, we can fast forward to now. I hate making descions. Over the past couple of days, and especially yesterday, tommy and I have been discussing the situation because its been on my mind alot more lately. And we decided that I really have to make the descison if I want to go through with this all the way. I am 99.9% sure this happened, but there is no hard evidence besides my memory, and because it was so long ago, theres not much that I can do about it. I'm scared about how people will see me what they'll think about me, because they know the other person and if they'll think i'm a liar or a bad person because I finally came out about it. It'll hurt my family, who already has enough drama on thier plate. And the only pro side I see to this, is maybe he wont hurt somebody else, and maybe finally I can have some closure. Either way, things aren't going to be perfect. But i don't want to have to make this descion and i'm so confused.
Confusedly Yours,
BeachBlondie
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Family.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about family. Being apart of a family, creating a family, family. According to dictionary.com, the most common known defenition of family is this " a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not: the traditional family. " However, I have found one defenition via dictionary.com of family, that I agree with the most. 1) a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together.".
I've been spending a lot more time with my Freeman family lately, Chris Alyssa Elijah and Tommy, and i've always been considered a part of thier family as a sister and sister in law, but i don't know lately things have been closer with us. I first went over there, sometime in September with Tommy and Kristie, and then I recently went over there this past Monday and spent the day with them. And I also saw them today (Christmas Eve), at Heather's birthday. I will then also be going to thier house on sunday and staying till monday with Tommy.
I first met Chris when I was in the 5th going into 6th grade at our church youth group, and at first I was the dorky little girl who wanted to fit in with the big kids, but then in about the 7th grade, Chris shared his testimony at our youth group and I wrote on his Myspace wall that day and he began to help me work out my family problems that were going on then, and from there we became really close. When Tommy started coming to church with Chris, I tried to become his friend too, thought things would work out just like Chris and I had, but he didn't really take to me, thinking I was just another dorky little kid. But after he got to know me a little better we became friends, and until like the summer 2009 we were just friends, and then we became best friends once we really discovered each other's lives and how alike we were.Fast forward. Chris starts dating Alyssa, Chris goes into the Navy and marrys Alyssa, I have a sister in law now, Chris and Alyssa get pregnant, Chris and Alyssa move to San Diego, Elijah Caelan Freeman is born, I am an auntie.
The first time I went over to Chris's house, his friend came over that night, and I was introduced as his *adopted* sister, and my face lit up like it was Christmas morning and I was just soo stoked to be called his adopted sister, and not just a close friend. I felt at home like we were really related. Being with their whole family, now my legitamate family, was just like being home. The peacefullness, the love, the acceptance was just like indescribable. I can't explain the feeling I had, but it was just perfect. Today, we went out to lunch after Heather's party, and had BJ's at Del Amo Mall. It was Chris, Alyssa, Elijah, Tommy, two of Chris's Navy friends, and I, and again I was introduced as the sister. It just made me feel like this is where I want to be forever, where things are good, and when they aren't. we work through them, but we are still a family.
Even though we may not be a family by blood, we are family. God has made us a family. I am so blessed to be apart of this family, and they mean the world to me I love them so much.
If your not included in the above section, but I call you a family member, you are still family. This is just the most legitmate family family that I have next to my blood relationed family.
Tim, your my father figure you know that, thank you, you have saved my life, and you mean the world to me. Kyle, your my brother, and you always brighten my day, we will always be family. Shanon, you are my sister and I love you so much, words can't explain how much I love you babe <3. Danielle. your my mommy, I love you mamamamamamamamaaaaaa <3 Jay, your the love of my life, and so much more, I would use other wording, but most people don't know about that yet, so i wont. I love you <3
Merry Christmas mi Familia, I love you <3
-Beach Blondie
I've been spending a lot more time with my Freeman family lately, Chris Alyssa Elijah and Tommy, and i've always been considered a part of thier family as a sister and sister in law, but i don't know lately things have been closer with us. I first went over there, sometime in September with Tommy and Kristie, and then I recently went over there this past Monday and spent the day with them. And I also saw them today (Christmas Eve), at Heather's birthday. I will then also be going to thier house on sunday and staying till monday with Tommy.
I first met Chris when I was in the 5th going into 6th grade at our church youth group, and at first I was the dorky little girl who wanted to fit in with the big kids, but then in about the 7th grade, Chris shared his testimony at our youth group and I wrote on his Myspace wall that day and he began to help me work out my family problems that were going on then, and from there we became really close. When Tommy started coming to church with Chris, I tried to become his friend too, thought things would work out just like Chris and I had, but he didn't really take to me, thinking I was just another dorky little kid. But after he got to know me a little better we became friends, and until like the summer 2009 we were just friends, and then we became best friends once we really discovered each other's lives and how alike we were.Fast forward. Chris starts dating Alyssa, Chris goes into the Navy and marrys Alyssa, I have a sister in law now, Chris and Alyssa get pregnant, Chris and Alyssa move to San Diego, Elijah Caelan Freeman is born, I am an auntie.
The first time I went over to Chris's house, his friend came over that night, and I was introduced as his *adopted* sister, and my face lit up like it was Christmas morning and I was just soo stoked to be called his adopted sister, and not just a close friend. I felt at home like we were really related. Being with their whole family, now my legitamate family, was just like being home. The peacefullness, the love, the acceptance was just like indescribable. I can't explain the feeling I had, but it was just perfect. Today, we went out to lunch after Heather's party, and had BJ's at Del Amo Mall. It was Chris, Alyssa, Elijah, Tommy, two of Chris's Navy friends, and I, and again I was introduced as the sister. It just made me feel like this is where I want to be forever, where things are good, and when they aren't. we work through them, but we are still a family.
Even though we may not be a family by blood, we are family. God has made us a family. I am so blessed to be apart of this family, and they mean the world to me I love them so much.
If your not included in the above section, but I call you a family member, you are still family. This is just the most legitmate family family that I have next to my blood relationed family.
Tim, your my father figure you know that, thank you, you have saved my life, and you mean the world to me. Kyle, your my brother, and you always brighten my day, we will always be family. Shanon, you are my sister and I love you so much, words can't explain how much I love you babe <3. Danielle. your my mommy, I love you mamamamamamamamaaaaaa <3 Jay, your the love of my life, and so much more, I would use other wording, but most people don't know about that yet, so i wont. I love you <3
Merry Christmas mi Familia, I love you <3
-Beach Blondie
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Christmas Time
"O come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant, O come ye O come ye to Bethelaham(sp?)" "We wish you a merry christmas we wish you a merry christmas we wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year"
If I hear one more Christmas song, I just might shoot my radio. Don't get me wrong, I love the meaning of Christmas, but the same songs being overplayed and hearing them on all the radio stations are really begining to get on my nerves. If you love Christmas music, please do not complain to me about it, i can argue against it for hours :) , Sincierly. Beach Blondie.
Christmas: the annual festival of the Christian church commemorating the birth of Jesus: celebrated on December 25 and now generally observed as a legal holiday and an occasion for exchanging gifts. I love the meaning of Christmas, the manger scene, Jesus's birth, the humbleness that he had coming into this earth, but just like there are two sides to every story, there are two sides to Christmas.
I remember growing up that I always loved Christmas, putting out cookies and milk for Santa Clause and i always put out carrots for rudolph, waking up in the morning and running into my parents room and jumping on the bed saying get up get up we have to see what santa brought! My parents had this rule when we were kids that we had to wait till everyone was awake to go see what santa had brought, so the anticipation and excitement grew as I waited for my brothers to get up. Then, running down the stairs to see the cookies and milk were gone, and in the fireplace the butts of the carrots that no one eats, and the stockings all hung in a line over the fireplace filled to the brim with goodies. Christmas was always a great time for me as a child. and we always had a manger scene and the true meaning was always there and very much represented just as much as Santa Clause was. As i got older, I realized there was no Santa Clause, it wasn't a big deal to me because i still had my stocking filled every year, and i still do. :). I loved Christmas growing up, and I still do, but my reasoning has changed drastically, and Christmas is a lot different for me now.
As i started getting older, I began to realize and analyze things a lot more than I did already. When I turned 11ish (around the time my parents split up), the reasons why I love Christmas changed drastically. I started to realize how grateful I was to have my mom and my brothers, and not so much my dad anymore. Christmas for me no longer mattered about the presents, but the peace that came with it, the sense of love in it became what I loved most about Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I still loved recieving gifts and its fun and exciting but its not the main reason why I loved Christmas.
Fast forward to now. Quick Timeline for ya.
2007- Parents split up, start living half and half at each house. Christmas day is spent with both parents at Dad's house
2008- christmas eve with Mom, Christmas day with Dad
2009- Moved out of Dad's house full time in Sept., Mom has fiance, lives with us, spent Christmas at home with my intermediate family and my grandparents
2010- No more fiance, Christmas week is spent with my freeman family, extended family in Vegas vists here, christmas eve with Lane at home, christmas dane my mom dane and I, 26th and 27th freeman family.
When November hit, I realized OMG Christmas is next month, and couldn't believe another year had gone by, the fact that it was almost 2011 was really ODD. As we began to mive into december and started decorating, I began to do a lot of thinking and overanalyzing, and if you know me well, you know this ussually happens once or twice a year. I did a lot of thinking about how Christmas would be this year, because now my dad isn't in my life at all, I'll be celebrating a one year anniversary with Jay on January 4th, and I'm going to be a senior in high school in just a few short months. Most of my thinking was done on my dad so I will go into that first.
Please note before you read this paragraph, 1) I know there is a split in opinions on how you may feel about my Dad, but this is my opinion, and solely my opinion which is entierly based on what I have seen and heard, if you do not agree with me, thats fine, but all I ask is you do not argue with me on it or tell me that I am wrong, for there are many things that have been kept behind closed doors that would change your opinions drastically i'm sure. 2) Please do not pass any of this information onto my father himself, if he cared that much he could look up my blog and see it himself, but that doesn't give you the right to go tell him my opinions, thank you. As we began the month of December, I started to do a lot of thinking about my dad. If you do not know the current situation, there is no contact, and after a very long course of counseling, it was decided he was not to contact me unless i contacted him, if ever. I celebrated my sweet 16 in October, and there was no phone call no present or letter. I wasn't expecting anything really, but deep down all I really wanted, and still want is an apology. When nothing came, not even a simple happy birthday I love you, even if it was fake, I was hurt. Because deep down i wanted his accpetance, I needed his love to know that i'm good enough in his eyes, and as much as I wanted to say I dont care, I did. Moving into december, I began to think more and more about the birthday situation and Christmas coming up, wondering if he would even bother sending a Christmas card, let alone a gift. As i began to thnk on this more and more, I came to the realization that if he really cared, even though I said I wanted no contact, he would make the effort and send something, anything. My christmas wish many people have asked and none have been answered truthfully: An apology that I will never get. As Christmas is just in 4 days, I am begining to realize that I'll never get the apology and am learning how to keep moving forward, if I ever do get the truthful apology that I'm looking for, which is doubtful, but until that happens if it ever does, I am done copeing with the situation, I am healing from this situation.
Jay and I are going to be celebrating our much anticipated 1year aninversary this coming January 4th 2010 <3 And boy let me tell you, are we excited. A couple of weeks ago Jay and I were talking kinda late at night over facebook chat as we do every night before it moves to texting before bedtime, and I brought up our 1year anniversary and what we should do for gifts. I had been thinking over my idea for the past couple of months, and after talking to a few close friends all with different backgrounds and histories, I came to the conclusion that it was a great idea. Promise Rings. Now for some of you older people who are skeptical about this, please do not think that this was an irrational descison nor was it made easily. I purposed the idea to Jay and he was a bit skeptical at first, which I found out later was because he had misread something I had written. We got into our first real real argument, where I was litterally so upset it was ridiculous, we've argued before, every couple does, but over little things, nothing like this. About halfway through our conversation I started bawling my eyes out, it takes a lot to make me cry, and this was pretty up there. I thought for sure, this is it, he's gonna break up with me, its all over. And then i started rereading through our conversation and realized that he had misread what I had written and so in reality it was just one big misunderstanding. I rexplained it to Jay, and then everything was fine again. The next day, a Tuesday, Jay met me at the bus stop like he always does, and getting out of class early he decided to suprise me by being early to the bus stop and not telling me. I said you really scared me last night, and Jay replied you reallly scared me last night, I was a bit confused as to why I had scared him so I asked why and he said I thought you were going to break up with me, and I said i thought you were going to break up with me! We laughed and hugged and agreed we'd never break up over a promise ring. However on January 4th of 2011, we will be wearing Promise Rings :).
I'm going to be a High School Senior in 6months. Excuse me, but didn't freshmen year start yesterday? I can't believe Junior Years first semester will be done in just 2 weeks! I can't believe im 16. I can't believe i'm learning to drive. I can't believe i'm going to be wearing a promise ring on my hand in 2 weeks and I just can't believe that all this is real. It seems so surreal to me. As this year as coming to a close, as I look into the mirror I no longer see the adult that was trapped inside a child's body for so long, but I am begining to see the adult trapped inside the teenangers body that will be out so shortly. When I look into the mirrior, I see a young woman that has been through more than most people at her age, and for some things that they will luckily never have to expierience, but i also see the small smile saying I made it through this, and I'm glad that when I almost waved the surrender flag and gave up i kept going, I see a young lady whose feet will travel so far, and whose heart can not wait to wrap its arms around someone new that she can help. Today, this is who I see in the mirrior.
Christmas is in 4 days. All of my presents haven't been wrapped, but they have been chosen for the very few special deserving people that I have in my life, that are worthy of so much more than the small gift that they will recieve from me. This Christmas, I am being real with who I really am, accepting that it is ok to grieve and cope but healing is there and copeing is not healing. This Christmas, I am realizing that all i really want is the peace that Jesus brings. This Christmas, i am thankful for the life I have been given because it has shaped me into who I am today. This Christmas, I am blessed for the people that have been put into my life, and how special and wonderful each and every one of them is amazes me. This Christmas, I am blessed to have the love of my life holding my hand to take on the world. This Christmas.
Warmest Wishes and Merry Christmas,
Beach Blondie <3
If I hear one more Christmas song, I just might shoot my radio. Don't get me wrong, I love the meaning of Christmas, but the same songs being overplayed and hearing them on all the radio stations are really begining to get on my nerves. If you love Christmas music, please do not complain to me about it, i can argue against it for hours :) , Sincierly. Beach Blondie.
Christmas: the annual festival of the Christian church commemorating the birth of Jesus: celebrated on December 25 and now generally observed as a legal holiday and an occasion for exchanging gifts. I love the meaning of Christmas, the manger scene, Jesus's birth, the humbleness that he had coming into this earth, but just like there are two sides to every story, there are two sides to Christmas.
I remember growing up that I always loved Christmas, putting out cookies and milk for Santa Clause and i always put out carrots for rudolph, waking up in the morning and running into my parents room and jumping on the bed saying get up get up we have to see what santa brought! My parents had this rule when we were kids that we had to wait till everyone was awake to go see what santa had brought, so the anticipation and excitement grew as I waited for my brothers to get up. Then, running down the stairs to see the cookies and milk were gone, and in the fireplace the butts of the carrots that no one eats, and the stockings all hung in a line over the fireplace filled to the brim with goodies. Christmas was always a great time for me as a child. and we always had a manger scene and the true meaning was always there and very much represented just as much as Santa Clause was. As i got older, I realized there was no Santa Clause, it wasn't a big deal to me because i still had my stocking filled every year, and i still do. :). I loved Christmas growing up, and I still do, but my reasoning has changed drastically, and Christmas is a lot different for me now.
As i started getting older, I began to realize and analyze things a lot more than I did already. When I turned 11ish (around the time my parents split up), the reasons why I love Christmas changed drastically. I started to realize how grateful I was to have my mom and my brothers, and not so much my dad anymore. Christmas for me no longer mattered about the presents, but the peace that came with it, the sense of love in it became what I loved most about Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I still loved recieving gifts and its fun and exciting but its not the main reason why I loved Christmas.
Fast forward to now. Quick Timeline for ya.
2007- Parents split up, start living half and half at each house. Christmas day is spent with both parents at Dad's house
2008- christmas eve with Mom, Christmas day with Dad
2009- Moved out of Dad's house full time in Sept., Mom has fiance, lives with us, spent Christmas at home with my intermediate family and my grandparents
2010- No more fiance, Christmas week is spent with my freeman family, extended family in Vegas vists here, christmas eve with Lane at home, christmas dane my mom dane and I, 26th and 27th freeman family.
When November hit, I realized OMG Christmas is next month, and couldn't believe another year had gone by, the fact that it was almost 2011 was really ODD. As we began to mive into december and started decorating, I began to do a lot of thinking and overanalyzing, and if you know me well, you know this ussually happens once or twice a year. I did a lot of thinking about how Christmas would be this year, because now my dad isn't in my life at all, I'll be celebrating a one year anniversary with Jay on January 4th, and I'm going to be a senior in high school in just a few short months. Most of my thinking was done on my dad so I will go into that first.
Please note before you read this paragraph, 1) I know there is a split in opinions on how you may feel about my Dad, but this is my opinion, and solely my opinion which is entierly based on what I have seen and heard, if you do not agree with me, thats fine, but all I ask is you do not argue with me on it or tell me that I am wrong, for there are many things that have been kept behind closed doors that would change your opinions drastically i'm sure. 2) Please do not pass any of this information onto my father himself, if he cared that much he could look up my blog and see it himself, but that doesn't give you the right to go tell him my opinions, thank you. As we began the month of December, I started to do a lot of thinking about my dad. If you do not know the current situation, there is no contact, and after a very long course of counseling, it was decided he was not to contact me unless i contacted him, if ever. I celebrated my sweet 16 in October, and there was no phone call no present or letter. I wasn't expecting anything really, but deep down all I really wanted, and still want is an apology. When nothing came, not even a simple happy birthday I love you, even if it was fake, I was hurt. Because deep down i wanted his accpetance, I needed his love to know that i'm good enough in his eyes, and as much as I wanted to say I dont care, I did. Moving into december, I began to think more and more about the birthday situation and Christmas coming up, wondering if he would even bother sending a Christmas card, let alone a gift. As i began to thnk on this more and more, I came to the realization that if he really cared, even though I said I wanted no contact, he would make the effort and send something, anything. My christmas wish many people have asked and none have been answered truthfully: An apology that I will never get. As Christmas is just in 4 days, I am begining to realize that I'll never get the apology and am learning how to keep moving forward, if I ever do get the truthful apology that I'm looking for, which is doubtful, but until that happens if it ever does, I am done copeing with the situation, I am healing from this situation.
Jay and I are going to be celebrating our much anticipated 1year aninversary this coming January 4th 2010 <3 And boy let me tell you, are we excited. A couple of weeks ago Jay and I were talking kinda late at night over facebook chat as we do every night before it moves to texting before bedtime, and I brought up our 1year anniversary and what we should do for gifts. I had been thinking over my idea for the past couple of months, and after talking to a few close friends all with different backgrounds and histories, I came to the conclusion that it was a great idea. Promise Rings. Now for some of you older people who are skeptical about this, please do not think that this was an irrational descison nor was it made easily. I purposed the idea to Jay and he was a bit skeptical at first, which I found out later was because he had misread something I had written. We got into our first real real argument, where I was litterally so upset it was ridiculous, we've argued before, every couple does, but over little things, nothing like this. About halfway through our conversation I started bawling my eyes out, it takes a lot to make me cry, and this was pretty up there. I thought for sure, this is it, he's gonna break up with me, its all over. And then i started rereading through our conversation and realized that he had misread what I had written and so in reality it was just one big misunderstanding. I rexplained it to Jay, and then everything was fine again. The next day, a Tuesday, Jay met me at the bus stop like he always does, and getting out of class early he decided to suprise me by being early to the bus stop and not telling me. I said you really scared me last night, and Jay replied you reallly scared me last night, I was a bit confused as to why I had scared him so I asked why and he said I thought you were going to break up with me, and I said i thought you were going to break up with me! We laughed and hugged and agreed we'd never break up over a promise ring. However on January 4th of 2011, we will be wearing Promise Rings :).
I'm going to be a High School Senior in 6months. Excuse me, but didn't freshmen year start yesterday? I can't believe Junior Years first semester will be done in just 2 weeks! I can't believe im 16. I can't believe i'm learning to drive. I can't believe i'm going to be wearing a promise ring on my hand in 2 weeks and I just can't believe that all this is real. It seems so surreal to me. As this year as coming to a close, as I look into the mirror I no longer see the adult that was trapped inside a child's body for so long, but I am begining to see the adult trapped inside the teenangers body that will be out so shortly. When I look into the mirrior, I see a young woman that has been through more than most people at her age, and for some things that they will luckily never have to expierience, but i also see the small smile saying I made it through this, and I'm glad that when I almost waved the surrender flag and gave up i kept going, I see a young lady whose feet will travel so far, and whose heart can not wait to wrap its arms around someone new that she can help. Today, this is who I see in the mirrior.
Christmas is in 4 days. All of my presents haven't been wrapped, but they have been chosen for the very few special deserving people that I have in my life, that are worthy of so much more than the small gift that they will recieve from me. This Christmas, I am being real with who I really am, accepting that it is ok to grieve and cope but healing is there and copeing is not healing. This Christmas, I am realizing that all i really want is the peace that Jesus brings. This Christmas, i am thankful for the life I have been given because it has shaped me into who I am today. This Christmas, I am blessed for the people that have been put into my life, and how special and wonderful each and every one of them is amazes me. This Christmas, I am blessed to have the love of my life holding my hand to take on the world. This Christmas.
Warmest Wishes and Merry Christmas,
Beach Blondie <3
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Volunteering in Downtown LA
This morning I went down to Skid Rowish area in downtown LA with my mom, two younger brothers, and my cousin Paxton. Lane (youngest brother) is apart of a Firefighter mentoring program, and they along with a Skih community were passing out toys and neccesities and clothing to homeless families. This past week has been an emotional roller coaster for me, and I really needed to go to church. So when I was told I couldn't go to church this morning, I was naturally, pretty ticked off. However after we arrived in the pouring rain, and the owner of one of the homeless missions down there said that there had been people lined up since 4am that morning, I realized these people needed more help than I did. When i ruined my boots due to the rain, I was pretty upset. But a little later, when I began working in one of the tent assembly lines and saw all these people lined up and what they were wearing I wanted to cry. I was complaining about ruining my boots due to the rainwater and puddles, and yet there were all these people, alot of whom had babies and very young children, whose shoes were too small and too big, that were falling apart, and were just plain disgusting. After seeing that sight, I wanted to cry, I felt so guilty for complaining about a pair of boots that I ruined during the rain, when I have another pair at home, at least 5 pairs of heels, rainbow sandals, and a pair of flats, I felt horrible. I volunteered there for 3 hours, and i've done a lot of mission work before, but there was just something different about today, it was a really moving expieience.
A lot of other things happened today, good and bad, but above all, this is one expierience I will not forget.
Goodnight Everyone, Merry Almost Christmas,
BeachBlondie <3
A lot of other things happened today, good and bad, but above all, this is one expierience I will not forget.
Goodnight Everyone, Merry Almost Christmas,
BeachBlondie <3
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Alone In A World Full of People
December 01, 2010
Today. Tommorow. Yesterday. Days. Days are good. Days are bad. Days are mediocre. Days are melancholy. Today was just another day. Nothing special. It's odd if you think about it really how different days can be when all they are really is just one big ticking clock...
I guess I've been noticing lately that I've become distant with everyone lately besides Jay. I wake up, drive with my mom or take the bus to school, go to my classes keep to myself, finish all my homework before classes end. Go to lunch and sit in the library on my laptop organizing pictures and files, check in with my TA period, head home MW and on TTH I catch the bus with Jay on it, and we go hang at my place. If its a wednesday I go to church after, and be the good christian girl, who sings on the worship team, plasters the smile on her face as if I don't struggle with anything at all. On fridays. depending on Jay's schedule I hang out with Jay or Shanon. Saturday is spent cleaning and doing laundry for the week, making sure my grades are up. Sunday I go to church early in the morning so I don't have to be at the house. Then I go to lunch afterwords, and hang and talk and laugh like everythings fine, confining myself inside my flesh. Then the whole proccess starts all over again.
I guess today I thought alot about this because I couldn't go to youth group, due to my choir singing at the Torrance Memorial Christmas Tree Lighting Fair thingy, and I came home and sat around for a few hours thinking what do I do with myself these days? Things have been rough, sure, reallly hard, defenitley, but still even then I was always out and about.
I guess its been a lot of me wanting to just finally grow up, everyone says enjoy high school if you don't you'll regret it, but I feel like an adult locked inside a child's body. I need to work, I need to clean, I want to be married, I want to have children, I want to be taking college courses, I want to be who I really am deep down inside of me. Well I guess thats all I can really vent about... Weird day in all...
Well it's 10:09pm and I'm going to do the adult thing by staying up till midnight so I can clean my bedroom and then possibly make a hot cup of tea since we don't have a coffee maker and I think Starbucks is closed by now..
Nigh Night All.
-Beach Blondie
Today. Tommorow. Yesterday. Days. Days are good. Days are bad. Days are mediocre. Days are melancholy. Today was just another day. Nothing special. It's odd if you think about it really how different days can be when all they are really is just one big ticking clock...
I guess I've been noticing lately that I've become distant with everyone lately besides Jay. I wake up, drive with my mom or take the bus to school, go to my classes keep to myself, finish all my homework before classes end. Go to lunch and sit in the library on my laptop organizing pictures and files, check in with my TA period, head home MW and on TTH I catch the bus with Jay on it, and we go hang at my place. If its a wednesday I go to church after, and be the good christian girl, who sings on the worship team, plasters the smile on her face as if I don't struggle with anything at all. On fridays. depending on Jay's schedule I hang out with Jay or Shanon. Saturday is spent cleaning and doing laundry for the week, making sure my grades are up. Sunday I go to church early in the morning so I don't have to be at the house. Then I go to lunch afterwords, and hang and talk and laugh like everythings fine, confining myself inside my flesh. Then the whole proccess starts all over again.
I guess today I thought alot about this because I couldn't go to youth group, due to my choir singing at the Torrance Memorial Christmas Tree Lighting Fair thingy, and I came home and sat around for a few hours thinking what do I do with myself these days? Things have been rough, sure, reallly hard, defenitley, but still even then I was always out and about.
I guess its been a lot of me wanting to just finally grow up, everyone says enjoy high school if you don't you'll regret it, but I feel like an adult locked inside a child's body. I need to work, I need to clean, I want to be married, I want to have children, I want to be taking college courses, I want to be who I really am deep down inside of me. Well I guess thats all I can really vent about... Weird day in all...
Well it's 10:09pm and I'm going to do the adult thing by staying up till midnight so I can clean my bedroom and then possibly make a hot cup of tea since we don't have a coffee maker and I think Starbucks is closed by now..
Nigh Night All.
-Beach Blondie
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