Christmas Time

"O come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant, O come ye O come ye to Bethelaham(sp?)" "We wish you a merry christmas we wish you a merry christmas we wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year"

If I hear one more Christmas song, I just might shoot my radio. Don't get me wrong, I love the meaning of Christmas, but the same songs being overplayed and hearing them on all the radio stations are really begining to get on my nerves. If you love Christmas music, please do not complain to me about it, i can argue against it for hours :) ,  Sincierly. Beach Blondie.

Christmas:  the annual festival of the Christian church commemorating the birth of Jesus: celebrated on December 25 and now generally observed as a legal holiday and an occasion for exchanging gifts. I love the meaning of Christmas, the manger scene, Jesus's birth, the humbleness that he had coming into this earth, but just like there are two sides to every story, there are two sides to Christmas.

I remember growing up that I always loved Christmas, putting out cookies and milk for Santa Clause and i always put out carrots for rudolph, waking up in the morning and running into my parents room and jumping on the bed saying get up get up we have to see what santa brought! My parents had this rule when we were kids that we had to wait till everyone was awake to go see what santa had brought, so the anticipation and excitement grew as I waited for my brothers to get up. Then, running down the stairs to see the cookies and milk were gone, and in the fireplace the butts of the carrots that no one eats, and the stockings all hung in a line over the fireplace filled to the brim with goodies. Christmas was always a great time for me as a child. and we always had a manger scene and the true meaning was always there and very much represented just as much as Santa Clause was. As i got older, I realized there was no Santa Clause, it wasn't a big deal to me because i still had my stocking filled every year, and i still do. :). I loved Christmas growing up, and I still do, but my reasoning has changed drastically, and Christmas is a lot different for me now.

  As i started getting older, I began to realize and analyze things a lot more than I did already. When I turned 11ish (around the time my parents split up), the reasons why I love Christmas changed drastically. I started to realize how grateful I was to have my mom and my brothers, and not so much my dad anymore. Christmas for me no longer mattered about the presents, but the peace that came with it, the sense of love in it became what I loved most about Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I still loved recieving gifts and its fun and exciting but its not the main reason why I loved Christmas.

Fast forward to now. Quick Timeline for ya.
2007- Parents split up, start living half and half at each house. Christmas day is spent with both parents at Dad's house
2008- christmas eve with Mom, Christmas day with Dad
2009- Moved out of Dad's house full time in Sept., Mom has fiance, lives with us, spent Christmas at home with my intermediate family and my grandparents
2010- No more fiance, Christmas week is spent with my freeman family, extended family in Vegas vists here, christmas eve with Lane at home, christmas dane my mom dane and I, 26th and 27th freeman family.

When November hit, I realized OMG Christmas is next month, and couldn't believe another year had gone by, the fact that it was almost 2011 was really ODD. As we began to mive into december and started decorating, I began to do a lot of thinking and overanalyzing, and if you know me well, you know this ussually happens once or twice a year. I did a lot of thinking about how Christmas would be this year, because now my dad isn't in my life at all, I'll be celebrating a one year anniversary with Jay on January 4th, and I'm going to be a senior in high school in just a few short months. Most of my thinking was done on my dad so I will go into that first.

Please note before you read this paragraph, 1) I know there is a split in opinions on how you may feel about my Dad, but this is my opinion, and solely my opinion which is entierly based on what I have seen and heard, if you do not agree with me, thats fine, but all I ask is you do not argue with me on it or tell me that I am wrong, for there are many things that have been kept behind closed doors that would change your opinions drastically i'm sure. 2) Please do not pass any of this information onto my father himself, if he cared that much he could look up my blog and see it himself, but that doesn't give you the right to go tell him my opinions, thank you. As we began the month of December, I started to do a lot of thinking about my dad. If you do not know the current situation, there is no contact, and after a very long course of counseling, it was decided he was not to contact me unless i contacted him, if ever. I celebrated my sweet 16 in October, and there was no phone call no present or letter. I wasn't expecting anything really, but deep down all I really wanted, and still want is an apology. When nothing came, not even a simple happy birthday I love you, even if it was fake, I was hurt. Because deep down i wanted his accpetance, I needed his love to know that i'm good enough in his eyes, and as much as I wanted to say I dont care, I did. Moving into december, I began to think more and more about the birthday situation and Christmas coming up, wondering if he would even bother sending a Christmas card, let alone a gift. As i began to thnk on this more and more, I came to the realization that if he really cared, even though I said I wanted no contact, he would make the effort and send something, anything. My christmas wish many people have asked and none have been answered truthfully: An apology that I will never get. As Christmas is just in 4 days, I am begining to realize that I'll never get the apology and am learning how to keep moving forward, if I ever do get the truthful apology that I'm looking for, which is doubtful, but until that happens if it ever does, I am done copeing with the situation, I am healing from this situation.

Jay and I are going to be celebrating our much anticipated 1year aninversary this coming January 4th 2010 <3 And boy let me tell you, are we excited. A couple of weeks ago Jay and I were talking kinda late at night over facebook chat as we do every night before it moves to texting before bedtime, and I brought up our 1year anniversary and what we should do for gifts. I had been thinking over my idea for the past couple of months, and after talking to a few close friends all with different backgrounds and histories, I came to the conclusion that it was a great idea. Promise Rings. Now for some of you older people who are skeptical about this, please do not think that this was an irrational descison nor was it made easily. I purposed the idea to Jay and he was a bit skeptical at first, which I found out later was because he had misread something I had written. We got into our first real real argument, where I was litterally so upset it was ridiculous, we've argued before, every couple does, but over little things, nothing like this. About halfway through our conversation I started bawling my eyes out, it takes a lot to make me cry, and this was pretty up there. I thought for sure, this is it, he's gonna break up with me, its all over. And then i started rereading through our conversation and realized that he had misread what I had written and so in reality it was just one big misunderstanding. I rexplained it to Jay, and then everything was fine again. The next day, a Tuesday, Jay met me at the bus stop like he always does, and getting out of class early he decided to suprise me by being early to the bus stop and not telling me. I said you really scared me last night, and Jay replied you reallly scared me last night, I was a bit confused as to why I had scared him so I asked why and he said I thought you were going to break up with me, and I said i thought you were going to break up with me! We laughed and hugged and agreed we'd never break up over a promise ring. However on January 4th of 2011, we will be wearing Promise Rings :).

I'm going to be a High School Senior in 6months. Excuse me, but didn't freshmen year start yesterday? I can't believe Junior Years first semester will be done in just 2 weeks! I can't believe im 16. I can't believe i'm learning to drive. I can't believe i'm going to be wearing a promise ring on my hand in 2 weeks and I just can't believe that all this is real. It seems so surreal to me. As this year as coming to a close, as I look into the mirror I no longer see the adult that was trapped inside a child's body for so long, but I am begining to see the adult trapped inside the teenangers body that will be out so shortly. When I look into the mirrior, I see a young woman that has been through more than most people at her age, and for some things that they will luckily never have to expierience, but i also see the small smile saying I made it through this, and I'm glad that when I almost waved the surrender flag and gave up i kept going, I see a young lady whose feet will travel so far, and whose heart can not wait to wrap its arms around someone new that she can help. Today, this is who I see in the mirrior.

Christmas is in 4 days. All of my presents haven't been wrapped, but they have been chosen for the very few special deserving people that I have in my life, that are worthy of so much more than the small gift that they will recieve from me. This Christmas, I am being real with who I really am, accepting that it is ok to grieve and cope but healing is there and copeing is not healing. This Christmas, I am realizing that all i really want is the peace that Jesus brings. This Christmas, i am thankful for the life I have been given because it has shaped me into who I am today. This Christmas, I am blessed for the people that have been put into my life, and how special and wonderful each and every one of them is amazes me. This Christmas, I am blessed to have the love of my life holding my hand to take on the world. This Christmas.

Warmest Wishes and Merry Christmas,
Beach Blondie <3