Making Descions.

 Making descions = the most hated thing in life, by me. I am one of the most passive people you will ever meet. I don't have opinions about whether we get Subway or Panda Express, if we go Ice Skating or go Bowling, or whether we should see the movie at 4:30 or 5:30. My only big opinions is when it comes to what I believe in, I will make the descion to fight for that, every time. Or if someone is saying something about someone else, I'll stick up for them. But when it comes to little things, i don't really care, don't let me make the descion because I don't care.

 Towards the end of August, at Heatwave (a high school camp that my church has attended the past 3yrs.), i shared with my youth group about 8 of us, including my youth pastor, about what i've been dealing with this summer. It's been going on since I was a kid, and came up more during the past  2yrs, but especially this summer.It was a bit of a heartbreak for everyone. I wasn't planning on sharing at all about it, but all of a sudden i just started talking and couldn't get myself to shut up, and before I knew it I was crying my eyes out. Over the past couple months i've been copeing with it, trying to figure out  what I should do about the whole situation, and about a month ago i was watching Oprah (whom i dislike greatly, but randomly decided to turn on) and they were talking about my situation. Tyler Perry was a guest, and he said "Theres a difference between copeing and healing" and I turned the TV off but hit the record button because Jay was coming over.

 Jay comes over, and I go downstairs to let him in, and he can tell i'm a bit on edge. We make rice krispie treats and as im stirring the butter he comes up behind me and says so how was your day? I said it wasn't that great, and he says oh im sorry.. he asks if I wanna talk about it, I say no not really. And he just says ok. I go back to stirring the butter, and after a couple mins, i turn around and just hug him as he's leaning up against the counter. I hug him for a few minutes, and then I try to figure out why I won't let him go.As i'm holding him i begin to cry, and he just holds me and strokes my hair and says "Shhh, it's going to be okay" as i hold onto him crying and crying and crying and i'm thinking to myself why am i crying like this, what started this? And the words finally popped in my head "Theres a difference between copeing and healing".I had been trying to cope with the situation for so long, but i wasn't healing from it. Jay knows what happened at camp, and the whole story behind it, but I never told him why i cried that day, and we went about our business and had a great day anyway.

Having a little bit of background now, we can fast forward to now. I hate making descions. Over the past couple of days, and especially yesterday, tommy and I have been discussing the situation because its been on my mind alot more lately. And we decided that I really have to make the descison if I want to go through with this all the way. I am 99.9% sure this happened, but there is no hard evidence besides my memory, and because it was so long ago, theres not much that I can do about it. I'm scared about how people will see me what they'll think about me, because they know the other person and if they'll think i'm a liar or a bad person because I finally came out about it. It'll hurt my family, who already has enough drama on thier plate. And the only pro side I see to this, is maybe he wont hurt somebody else, and maybe finally I can have some closure. Either way, things aren't going to be perfect. But i don't want to have to make this descion and i'm so confused.

Confusedly Yours,
BeachBlondie